No Pineapple in My Fruit Salad.

I had a fuit salad for afters at lunch time. Apple, grapes, orange and pineapple. I popped a chunk of pineapple into my mouth and after I ate it, I realised that it didn't quite suit my palate. I ate another chunk and made the definitive decision. I don't like pineapple.

It's taken me 24 years, but I'm quite certain that that is my final answer.

What's That Noise?..... Ahhhhhhh!

I had just gotten into bed last night, all tight and snug and comfy, when all of a sudden I heard a noise. It was an unfamiliar noise which is why it caught my undevided attention. I listened intently for a few moments to try and see if I could hear the noise again, and in turn establish where it was coming from. It was a low scratching noise, like something was being moved along another surface, like a cup on a table, or something similar. I didn't hear the noise again, so thought nothing of it and slowly started drifting off to sleep. About 20 minutes later, I was in that blissful stage when you're between sleep and wakefulness, you can feel your body relax and start to get light, then I heard the noise again, but louder. I was suddenly very much awake. I listened again, and heard it again.

I laid there, absolutely terrified that if I peaked from beneath my covers I'd be greeted with something that I really didn't want to be greeted with at 2am in the morning. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears, then I heard the noise again, and enough was e-fucking-nough!

I pulled my covers back and leapt up as quickly as possible, pulling the string-thingy that turns my light on, kept my head down, eyes focussed on the floor, and ran to roomy's room.

She hadn't heard a damn thingy, but I had heard it. Whatever it was, I had heard it.

She grumpily came back to my room with me to search for a possibe cause, nothing was out of place. We even tried to replicate the noise, but nothing came close.

I'm not a wuss. I've had creepy shit happen to me before, but I lost serious street credentials last night. I had to sleep in roomy's bed. And I'm seriously considering sleeping with my light on tonight.

It's bedtime now.
Wish me luck.

Say Cheese!

So roomy is doing a photography course at college. She's doing it for fun. (who on EARTH goes to college for FUN?.... Anyway....) She SNUCK in some practice time on her new camera while I was doing some practicing of my own.







OK. This one I posed for.




These pictures make me look like I know what I'm doing with that guitar.... I've gotta tell you, I don't have a clue! You've got frets and chords and tabs and the thickness of plecs and and and.... two months and I'm still baffled. I'm really trying to teach meself, but I'm a shit teacher!

Spider Where Art Thou?

I don't know what the hell is going on with the spider population of the world, but I'm certain the eight legged evils are out to get me. I get up off my chair, there's one in front of me, I put on my slipper, there's one in it, I walk up the stairs, there's one on the step. What's going ON?

I don't mind spiders, it's cockroaches I'm bloody terrified of, but that doesn't mean I wanna make friends with them either.





By the way. ELEVEN DAYS TO GO!

Hand Theory.

I've realised recently that I have a real problem with dirty hands/and or nails. I seriously judge a person on how their hands appear to me, and on days when I'm working behind the counter, I witness some sorry looking hands/nails.

My friend's theory is that the hand obsession is a lesbian thing.... I remain sceptical. I think it's just a germ thing, not that that's any more sane.

How Do Hens Do It?

I'm going to a hen party tonight. I've never had anyone get married on me before, so I don't know what the protocol for this type of event is?

Do I need to buy a gift or a card?

My colleague, Sam, she's a couple of months younger than me and insisted that nobody dress up/hire a stripper/handcuff her to a lamppost. I mean, where's the fun in that?

She even had her mother arrange the hen party on a weeknight, so most of the women going have to go to work the next day.

We're all going for a meal. And that's it.





It's my first hen party, her only hen night, am I crazy to think we should/should want to go wild?

Come to think of it, I think perhaps the gift and card are for the wedding. Sorted.

Here I Am in the Morning...

I've just listened to this song for the third time in a row, so I'm posting it.

Optimism or Stupidity?

Sooooooo After painting said fence yesterday, Roomy and I went to a party at a Nursing Home. My uncle works there and he asked us to keep him company, so we weren't gatecrashing a nursing home. That would just be weird. Anyway, It was an anniversary party because the home had been open for 10 years. And I'm not kidding you..... but you'd never guess what was there.....


A BOUNCING CASTLE!!!!

Who has a Bouncing Castle at a nursing home party? WHO? LOL! Roomy and I couldn't help but laugh. Funnily enough, nobody was on the inflated fun machine! I can't think why.... I know you're thinking that perhaps it was for the grandchildren? But nope, it was an adults only shindig. Most of the old dears couldn't lift themselves out of their wheelchiars, who one arth thought that they would miraculously somehow spend all afternoon bouncing on a BOUNCING CASTLE?


I.Just.Don't.Get.It.
Maybe it was optimism that made them do it.

M Fence Paint.

I was painting my friend's garden fence this afternoon. It was a warm day, the radio was on. I felt content. It was a nice feeling. But I realised something.

Every time I paint a fence. Any fence. It reminds me of M.

Ain't No Salt Water in it!

My boss has just got back from America. He went to California, more specifically Newport Beach, I think. He also went to Las Vegas to renew his wedding vows to his wife after 25 years of marriage.

Anyway, he brought back some Salt Water Taffy for us to try at work. There were all kinds of flavours, including one that I think was banana and peanut butter, which is just.... wrong!


The Taffy was nice, too nice. I ate three, one after the other, and made myself feel a little icky! I can't decide if I like Taffy, or Britains very own StarBurst better. Mmmm.


I remember when Starburst were called Opal Fruits. I spent many a school day trying to eat them covertly. And everytime I ate a 'Snickers' bar, someone would tell me they used to be called 'Marathon'.

Lady Ga Ga's Mad, Yo!

My colleagues and I heard this joke on the radio this afternoon, and we liked it....


How do you make Lady Ga Ga angry?.... Poker Face.


Hahaha aha ha. Hmm. Yep!

Bump in the Road.

There's a particular bump on a road I take coming to and from work. It's an odd bump, odd in the fact that it's right in the middle of a road that is otherwise completely flat.

This bump reminds me of when I was 14/15 years old and still in school. Me and some of the kids in my year group were offered a place in college, so we would take the trip two mornings a week to college in a huge double decker bus. This bus would go down the road with the odd bump. We'd all be singing Spice Girls songs, or gossiping about recent events, then someone would shout "here it comes!", there'd be silence, we'd hit the bump, our stomachs would twirl and we'd screach in joy.... like teenage girls tend to do.

I'm just telling this story because now, even though I don't screach, when I go over that bump, my stomach Still twirls, and it reminds me of being 14 again.

You Won't Get Far on Crates!

My colleague came to work this morning chuckling to herself. We asked her what she was laughing at and she replied "I can't believe what I've just done." We asked her what she just did and she said she had been driving to work when her mobile rang, so she answered it and said "Hello, I'm driving so I can't talk now." To which the person on the other end replied. "It's the police, we'll phone you back in ten minutes when it's more convenient."

Ha! She had been breaking the law by answering her phone while driving, only to be doing so with the police!


Not only is that funny, but the police had actually been phoning her to talk about an incident that happened over the Easter break. Monday morning she went to her car to Find it propped up on crates! LOL! Apparently someone had stolen her car wheels! ALL FOUR OF THEM!

What on EARTH would possess someone to steal wheels? They weren't even fancy wheels with fancy trims, they were Ordinary. Wheels.

That's almost as bad as when somebody stole my conifer trees. Remember that? I'm still fucking livid. I loved those trees.

Grass Cutting = Bodybuilder's Sport

Ok. I simply do not have the arms for the activity that is Grass Cutting. I stood for half an hour yesterday morning with the new strimmer I bought, strimming the grass away like a mad woman..... hell yeah!

Erm....

HELL NO!....

My arms! MY BLOODY ARMS! What in the frilly knickers happened? My muscles feel like mush. Apparently cutting grass is a bodybuilder's sport because I can hardly lift my glass of water today, and while getting dressed this morning parts of me protested that I never knew existed! I wish I was exaggerating, I really do.... lol! I'm not unfit, I jog, I swim, but obviously, whatever muscles I have that are involved in cutting grass, are shrivelled and in a state of disrepair!

This four day Easter weekend has been rather fantabulous though. I wish it had been a five day weekend, oh ok, why not just make it a week? But alas, it's back to work tomorrow. *whinge, whine, moan*.

Hypnostized Lapdance.

I've just got back from the pub. There was a hypnostist flashing his skills tonight, and my uncle Chris was a participant having one of the hypnostists victims perform for him. Here's a video.






I actually gave in and let the hypnotist try to put me under, but it didn't work. He told everyone that their hands were stuck together like wood, then at the end they shouldn't have been able to pull their hands apart. Apparently I wasn't able to let go enough, because at the end of it my hands could disconnect.

I was glad after seeing what he did to the poor people that had actually been able to go under.... goodness!

Song Turrets.

It's funny isn't it? When you hear a particular word or sentance it can remind you of the lyrics to a song? Often when this happens I will..... yep..... burst into song.

My colleague asked me what the weather was going to be like this easter weekend, and I had to sing "I don't care what the weatherman says, if the weatherman says it's raining...."

Then there's once, twice.... "three times a lady...."

Do you want to meet for breakfast?.... "and I said what about, breakfast at tiffany's...."

IT JUST COMES OUT! IT'S LIKE TURRETS!


It's the same with TV adverts. I see Charmin toilet roll and I simply HAVE to sing "cha cha cha charminnnnnnnnn...."

Easter Egg Confession.

I racked up a total of four easter eggs this year. One from Auntie Maria, one from mother dearest and one from roomy. I also won an easter egg at a pub raffle.

I guess this is a confession.

I only have one and a half eggs left.

I eated them on the sly.

But I couldn't resist! Damn eggs with all their chocolatey goodness. They lured me into their yumminess and I, once again, caved in like a cheap deck chair.

8:21am

Goodness did I panic this morning. I don't know why I panicked so much though, because it wasn't that big of a deal. I overslept. Everyone at some point in their lives has done this, but this was the first time I ever had. I was supposed to be at work for 8am.... I woke up blissfully unaware of what time it was, then checked my clock and BAM. 8:21am!

8:21am? What? No? No! Why!? What the filly heck happened to my alarm?

Well, I have two mobile phones. An old one that I couldn't bare to part with, but had to stop using because it resembled a brick. And a new one that is somewhat 'fashionable'. I use the old mobile phone as my alarm for work, but it ran out of charge during the night.

Lesson learned. Set alarm, Check the battery charge before going night nights.

Wrong Trolly, Luv.

Auntie Maria struck again yesterday afternoon. I'm starting to think my blog should be about her, but she's so.... silly.... loveable.... adoreable.... funny.

When I can I go shopping with her on a Saturday afternoon, just to help carry her bags. This Saturday was no different. We put our pound in the trolly (shopping cart) and made our way down the isle in the supermarket. She picked some wash powder (detergent) off the shelf and turned around to put it in our trolly not realising I had moved away. Consequently she put her wash powder in the old woman's trolly that was standing behind her. Maria didn't know what she had done until I said "Maria, wrong trolly, luv." She looked up to see a bemused old lady staring at her and was, needless to say, extremely embarrassed. I cried with laughter.

From then on whenever the old lady and I wandered down the same isle we joked about Maria's mishap.

Crazy auntie!!!!

String Extraction.

I momenterily thought that my tooth was loose this afternoon. I was travelling to work on the bus minding my own business, chewing bubble gum and.... uh oh.... oh, no, panic over.... phew.

I haven't had a loose tooth since I was 8 so why my mind even considered this I have no idea. All kinds of things ran through my head for a breif second. The most prominant thing being that I would have to get my dad to tie string around it and pull hard and quick until it came out. He used to do this often, so often that he started inventing new ways to pull the string.

I remember my older brother complaining of a loose tooth once, so my dad made the string suggestion.... my brother didn't mention it again. Wuss.