Thursday, July 30, 2009

Musical Chairs.

I hate it when I get up off a chair to pee, for instance, and when I come back someone is sitting where I was sat.


What the hell on earth was wrong with the chair they were already sat in? Because unless they were privy to the information that the toilet had the ability to swallow people whole, they knew I was coming back, right?

Is this just a quirk of mine or do other people find this as annoying as I do?

It's like putting on someone's underwear when they take them off.

It's just rude, is what it is. Rude.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Shock Absorber

Despite the fact that I'm rather partial to boobs, I'm seriously not a bra expert. I've just spent the best part of my day wandering in and out of shops trying to find a device that will stop my lady-mountains from hindering my breathing while engaging in sporting activities.

Also known as bra shopping.

This shit is ridiculous.

There were too many options for me to decide. Do I want a black bra or a white one? Do I need a 34b or a 36b? Am I even a B? Do I want underwire or no underwire? Do I want cheap or expensive? Do I want a Pro or a Max? And best of all, do I want a Shock Absorber?

I thought the whole point of sports bras were to absorb the shock of being smacked in the face by your boobs when you're doing any activity that would bring about such a situation.

After deliberating for 10 minutes with my friend, I just picked one off the closest rack to me and paid for it.

Hopefully jogging will be a little more comfortable and a lot less shocking from now on.

Monday, July 27, 2009

A Little Bit Sluggish.

I was cleaning my broccoli... no that's not a metaphor, I was cleaning actual broccoli as I was going to eat it for dinner. During the cleaning process I spotted something that looked suspicious and, wondering what the hell it was, I investigated..... by poking it. The thing I had spotted was gray and kind of slimey, and moved when I had unceremoniously poked it, so my investigation had lead me to a conclusion. This was a slug.

I had a conundrum.

This little slug, actually it was quite large as far as slugs go, was enjoying it's dinner so much that it had fought it's way through all of the supermarket's screening processes to continue eating it, but in doing so it had ended up in my broccoli, and in my sink. The little bugger had also ended up ruining my dinner because I really wanted broccoli, I had a broccoli craving and you don't get in the way of a woman and her cravings. This may be a slug, but I thought that was common knowledge amongst any species.

Despite my annoyance at this slimey slug-bugger, I wasn't going to kill it for doing what came naturally to it, so I threw the broccoli with the slug over the garden fence.

Then ate salad instead.

Moral of this story? Slug-buggers are slippery. Check your veg. Amen.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Here's Your Change, Miss.

The past three days I have been working the same shift at work. 10am until 6pm. This means that the bus I travelled home on was driven by the same driver, and on the third day I stepped onto the bus, he said "I told you I'd pick you up today." I gave him my money only for him to say "here's your change, Miss." with a wink, meaning he didn't want me to pay the fare. The driver was around 50-60 years old and I didn't get a 'pervert' vibe from him, I think he was just genuinely being kind.

I smiled the whole journey home and was more careful to thank him when I got off the bus.

Kindness definitely does make your day better.

Monday, July 20, 2009


I was in a shop earlier trying to find compost when I heard a woman shout "Doris, where are you?" Then this little girl came running from another isle and shouted back "I'm here, mum!"

This little girl's mum had named her Doris. The hell that poor child is going to go through in high school!

My colleague announced that she was pregnant last week, and since then the rest of my colleagues have been picking out baby names. This lead to the topic of unpopular names or 'Old Lady' names as they called them. Here's a few....


If these names come back into fashion I will NOT be following suit if I ever have children. No no no no.... no.

Saturday, July 18, 2009


It's my auntie Maria's 50th birthday tomorrow, during the week various family members have been secretly planning a birthday party for her. It's taken stealth, wit and cunning to get the job done, but as I'm typing this, Maria is at home thinking unwittingly that nobody has made an effort for her special day.

Tonight though, we are all gathering at a top Secret Location awaiting her arrival.

This is going to be fun!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Swine F*cking b*stard tw*tting FLU

I work in a pharmacy and I'm going to lay this down for you, nice and simples.

If I hear one more thing about swine flu.

If I see one more prescription for Tamiflu.

If I answer one more phone call because someone's got a temperature.

If one more mother asks me if she should keep her child off school.

If one more old lady asks me where we keep the Lemsip.

I'm going to kill myself.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Just Don't Pack the Kitchen Sink

I received a panic filled text from my sister last week asking me what she could pack in her hand luggage. Her main concern was her hair straighteners, she wanted to take them with her on the plane. Now, I use hair straighteners, but I'm not so attached to them that I have to have them with my while travelling.

After convincing her that they would be OK in her suitcase, she then went on to panic about how much her case would weigh. After realising it was a pound or two over the weight it should be, she asked me if it would be OK to put T-shirts and strappy tops into her hand luggage. After convincing her that this would make very little difference to the weight of her case, I asked her where her camera was. "in my suitcase." she replied.

I was about ready to give up!

It took us a full two hours, a bar of chocolate and bottle of wine to get the girl packed properly and ready to fly. I think it was mostly just nerves as she had never been on holiday without the family before.

She's back now, and when I looked into her hand luggage there was only the essentials in there. Good girl, I taught her well.

I love packing. Is that odd? I think it must be odd.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

You Know When.......

........ You've Been Tangoed!

This can has truely been Tangoed! on Twitpic

I was putting the cans in the fridge at work when I realised the print was upside down. Is it sad that this amused me?

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Since From Long Time!

My Indian colleague sometimes has a unique way of wording things, which is obviously to be expected since English is not her mother tongue, but when she was late for work yesterday she came in huffing and puffing, unimpressed, and said "I sit in traffic since from long time!"

And of course I found it a bit too funny.

I just giggled a bit at the memory and thought I would share.

Monday, July 06, 2009

I Could See Clearly Even Through the Rain.

When I was thirteen I biked to my friend's house. I'd say the distance was about five or six miles and took quite a while to get there. I spent all afternoon playing in the street, and at tea-time my friend's mum offered to drive me home because it looked like it was going to rain. I knew it would rain, but for some reason I didn't take her up on her offer, and biked home anyway.

Half way through my journey it started spitting and I began peddling faster to try and beat the rain, but when the rain fell, it fell hard and fast and pounded against the concrete. With it came flashes of lightening and claps of thunder, but I realised all of a sudden, that I didn't have any reason to hurry. As the rain hit my skin the cold shock of it quickly subsided and it gradually began to feel like a gentle massage, I slowed my pace and enjoyed the freedom of riding my bike in the rain.

Cars sped past, drivers eager to get to the warm safe shelter of their home, their tyres causing small waves of water to beat against the curb, but I wondered if they had taken one moment, perhaps even one second to really see what was happening around them, the rain wouldn't have seemed like such a big inconvenience.

When I got home I was soaking through and through, but I was happy. I felt free. It had been just me and my bike, in the rain and thunder, bathing in nature's glory instead of hiding from it.

Today I was running towards the shelter of the bus stop, the heavy rain reminiscent of that when I was thirteen. The tap tap tap of the rain hit my umbrella and I scowled at the inconvenience. My uniform would get wet, water would seep through my shoes, then suddenly I remembered me on my bike. I lowered my umbrella and tilted my head upwards.

When I got home I was soaking through and through,
but I felt free again.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009


My friend has recently acquired a habit of mingling words together, like this

F'ot = Fucking hot

Tw'ot = Too hot

F'ungry = Fucking hungry

F'ugly = Fucking ugly.

Is this the new short hand? But I've only just got used to text speak!!!!