Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Celsius to Fahrenheit

It's currently 33 degrees Celsius (91.4 Fahrenheit) in Katie's garden right now. I knew it was hot, but damn! We have just spent the afternoon chatting and reminiscing about our school days. Is that how you know you're getting old? You spend the afternoon with your friend reliving embarrassing/hilarious/painful moments of your youth? At 24 I'm getting started early!

This weather/day is the reason why I only work four days a week. My boss was pressuring me to up my hours from 30 to 37.5, and I was about to agree, but not anymore. I've decided I don't measure my wealth in money. I measure it in time, how many days a week do I have to enjoy the sunshine with old friends? How many hours in the day do I have to do what I want to do?

If I'm ever old and gray I don't want to have a bank full of money that I can't spend. I want to have a memory full of fun times that I can relive.

Priorities, people. Buses are unpredictable.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Tongue Wars

How on earth do you manage bite your own tongue when it's been in your mouth your whole life?

S'all I'm asking.

Friday, June 26, 2009

13 Hours!

I like it:

This is about all I have to say:

Out of the last 72 hours, only 13 of them have I been asleep.
Bed now?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Vegetable Stereotype

I'm a vegetarian. That's just the way it is. A lot of people think it's because I'm a lesbian. I'm not quite sure how people have jumped to the conclusion that lesbianism and vegetarianism go hand in hand. Bob Marley was a vegetarian, but somehow I don't quite think he was a lesbian.

It's not that I didn't like meat from what I can remember, it's just that when I was old enough to understand what meat was, I suddenly started thinking about where it came from. The progression from being a meat eater was a slow one, and a frustrating one for my mum as I gradually learned that beef was a cow, pork was a pig, and lamb was a baby sheep! I was horrified! So one day, at the age of twelve, I told my mum I wouldn't eat meat anymore and that I promised to eat all of the vegetables on my plate if she didn't make me. She agreed then, but a week later she took me to the doctors to tell him that I wouldn't eat meat. Thanks mum! Thankfully Mr doctor was vegetarian too and gave her, and me lots of advice. Twelve years later, I'm still a vegetarian.

The knowledge that during my lifetime I save an average of 760 chickens, 20 pigs and 5 cows makes me feel a sense of relief. Relief for my gut, and my conscience. Add that to the health benefits as well as the ethical, spiritual, environmental and economical and I'd say my status of being a vegetarian is unlikely to change.

Humans don't necessarily need to eat meat anymore, not in my opinion. In shops everything that is vegetarian friendly is labelled. There's always a vegetarian option on the menu in restaurants and so on. Society has embraced vegetarianism like it's no big deal, if only it could be that simple for everything. Hmmmm.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Lizzy the Lezzy

I don't quite know what I was expecting when I clicked on this link, but what I got wasn't it. I laughed SO hard! Unbelievable!

Lizzy the Lezzy

Big butch pussy crunching muff munching muncher!

Friday, June 19, 2009

PS: Snorting is Embarrassing!

I went out for dinner this evening with my old school friend Katie. Food was good, cocktails were better. Looking at the cocktail menu I had decided which one I wanted to order, but I had also decided it's name was awkward. When the waitress came over to take our order, I pointed at the cocktail I wanted and said "Can I just show you instead? I don't want to say it in case you get the wrong idea."

The waitress, whose name I had found out by covertly peeking at her name tag (she was called Tessa fyi. I FYI'ED AGAIN!) looked at the cocktail to which I pointed and snorted with laughter, and I mean actual snortage. Full on suck-up-everything-around-her snortage.

She was mortified!

Katie's eyes were tearing up from trying to hold in her own laughter.

I felt terrible for trying to be funny and succeeding.

Tessa the waitress couldn't get away fast enough, but upon returning with our drinks, she did make a joke of it by saying "here is the cocktail that shall not be named for everyone's safety."

I gave Tessa a £10 pound tip for embarrassing her.

Oh yeah, the cocktail was called PS: I Love You.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Update on the shampoo sitch.

I washed my hair with the V05 a few hours ago and I DON'T LIKE THE SMELL!

All that time trying to figure out the right shampoo and it smells like mouldy cheese. Damnit! I guess it's back to the shampoo isle. I wonder if the mid fifties lady is still there trying to figure out which shampoo to buy, if she isn't, I wonder if her shampoo smelt better than mine. Sob sob.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Shampoo Conundrum

I was in the shop, wandering down the isle where all the shampoo lives - I wanted to buy shampoo, so this was a bonus. The problem, and yes there was a problem, is that standing in front of the shampoo I was met with the conundrum of having too much fucking choice!

I have highlights so I need something that will enhance the colour. I have a sensitive scalp so I need something that will enrich and sooth. I'm a brand snob so I need something that's probably overpriced. That left me with six or seven options!

After standing in front of the shampoo picking up and putting down several bottles, I noticed there was a lady, who was, I'd say, in her mid fifties, who had been standing next to me and doing the exact same thing.

I looked at her, she looked at me and we nodded in recognition. "Too much choice." she said. "Trying to figure out the perfect shampoo for my gray hair is giving me more wrinkles. It's a lose lose situation!"

Forealz, lady.

I eventually went for V05 something or other. fyi.

Heh. I just typed forealz AND fyi. How cool am I?

Monday, June 15, 2009


How annoying is it to drop food down your clothes? I was at a staff meeting at 9pm last night (yeah, I know, who goes to a staff meeting at 9pm on a Sunday evening?) I was trying to be good, but spaghetti does not want to play ball. This stupid restaurant (Ask) doesn't have a very extensive vegetarian menu, so spaghetti was basically the only thing that was appropriate for my dietary requirement. Spaghetti tends to splash, especially when you've had a few vodka and lemonades (considering the tab is paid by the boss, it's rude to just drink water.)

Anyway. White linen trousers = spaghetti splashes = Suave. Pfft!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dental Cheesecake.

For some reason I like to know the time of the place that people live in when I'm reading their blog. Like, some places are 8 hours behind me and when I've done a full days work, they're just getting out of bed. It fascinates me. Anyway, because of this I've put a little clock riiiiiight there. --->

I'm currently taking a break from crushing digestive biscuits. That shit is hard work! I'm crushing them up because I'm making cheesecake. It's a simple recipe I found on the ASDA website. Jamie Oliver eat your heart out. Gordon Ramsey can just fuck off and vanish, though because I don't like that man. I digress.

I went to see the dentist today. Just a check up. I have one every 6 months. the woman looked at my teeth, told me they're perfect, then sent me home £16.50 poorer.

Ain't that fab?!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Shouldn't Seattle be Seeattle? Or should sea be se? Because if not, then we should probably pronounce sea as se-a, shouldn't we? Or should we?

It's scary what goes on in this head of mine. It really is.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Soya cheese.

I was a victim of fraudulent cheese.

I tried Soya Cheese this afternoon after my vegan friend told me it tastes like normal dairy cheese.

It doesn't. It tastes like vomit. I ungraciously spat it straight back out.

I'm telling you this because I was unsuspecting in my belief that it wouldn't taste much different. Nobody warned me, but I feel it is my duty to warn you. I couldn't be saved, but you can. Beware of the soya cheese!

Monday, June 08, 2009

Lesbian Almost Down. Close Call.

My life flashed before my very eyes this afternoon.

On my way to work I heard the radio travel news announce that the traffic lights outside my place of work weren't working. I took note. When it came to crossing the road there was no light for me to press, therefore no green man telling me it was safe to cross. This meant that I had to be extra vigilant and use my 'Stop. Look.Listen' training I received in primary school.

So I stopped, I looked, I listened, then I looked over my shoulder to make sure no cars were coming around the corner. I saw that there was a car coming, but it didn't have it's indicators on, so assuming the car was going straight ahead I stepped onto the road only to hear screeeeeeeeeech.


Like something out of a Spiderman film I got out of the way - don't ask me how because that part is a bit fuzzy. My heart was pounding, my head was dizzy, I thought I was gunna die just from the shock. Despite not using his indicators and speeding around the corner like something out of formula one, this IDIOT had the cheek to get out of his car and shout at ME.

This guy tells me I need to look where I'm going, I tell this guy he's about to get a dint in his bonnet, then poof there's a dint in his bonnet - I hurt my hand.

I couldn't breathe I was so angry and scared. I sat on the curb, my heart still pounding when my colleagues came out having heard the fuss. The guy exchanged a few expletives with my boss then got in his car and drove off.

My heart is still pounding.

Lesbian almost down!
Close. Fucking. Call.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Lesbian Quality Time.

I'm having a quiet lesbian night in. I've got my Boobs.... oops I mean booze and films to keep me going all night. What makes this a quiet lesbian night in and not just a normal quiet night in, you ask?

About four DVDs that don't depict women going all goey eyed over men in them. Uh huh. That's right. The women in these films only go goey eyed for each other!

Gotta love Fingersmith. Gotta Love Imagine Me & You. Gotta love Fried Green Tomatoes. Seriously gotta love Bound.

Gotta love all these films even more with good company and a good Vodka and Redbull.

Enjoy the weekend!

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Foto...Photo f.....Photo Frame?

Standing in the Post Office last week the woman behind the counter gave me a customs sticker to stick on the package then write on it what was inside. I took the pen, put it to paper then BOOM! Forgot how to spell photo frame!

Just like that, right out of nowhere, after years of being able to spell it correctly, suddenly I couldn't spell it at all. JUST LIKE THAT!

I stood there for a moment to gather my thoughts and I could feel the woman behind the screen looking at me, she was probably thinking I was insane. Rightly so.

I searched the deep, dark corners of my brain and begged it to PLEASE remember then BOOM! As quickly as I'd forgotten, I'd remembered again.

I have to ask. What on EARTH was that about????

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Abroad in Scotland.

Adverb: abroad
To or in a foreign country
"they had never travelled abroad"

This afternoon my friend, Jo, told me that she had forgotten to pay her Sky Digital bill and that it was going to be cut off. Sarah, another friend said "well why don't you tell them that you've been abroad for a month so you couldn't pay it?"

Jo replied, like she had thought of something of pure brilliance, "Oh yeah, I can tell them that I was in Scotland!"

What was that, Jo? You could tell them that you've been abroad in Scotland for a month? This is England, honey, unless there's a Scotland in Spain then I'm certain your Sky Digital is going to be cut off!


Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Sex for a million?

This, of all things, was the topic of conversation at work today. Most of us are in our early twenties, only two of us are over 40, yet it was the over 40s who thought this topic was genius.

Every daily client that walked through the door they asked "would you have sex with a stranger if they offered you a million pounds?" Their answer, and about 95% of all the answers was "hell yes!"

Now, my answer was 'yes'. But, thinking about it, there were questions I should have asked before giving my answer. The most relevant question being 'is this particular stranger male or female?' Because I'm not into the males and I know know know fo' sho' that I wouldn't play with the male-stick for a million quid. On principle more than anything else because some men can be quite pretty, I guess, but it annoys the hell out of me when lesbinums go straight for bait, just like it does when hetros go gay for pay. I aint down with that shat.

So, my actual answer, when I've thought about it which, sad to say, I have, is 'yes, but with quite a few conditions.'

Conditions being:

Male or female?
Is there a time limit on how long the sex session is to last?
Do I get the million pounds up front?
Do I ever have to see this person again?
Am I single or in a relationship when the offer is proposed?

Because, if I'm in a relationship, then everything I just typed is irrelevant.


Monday, June 01, 2009

Tweet Tweet.

I forgot to add that I finally got one of those damn twitter things. I'm so weak. Damn you peer pressure!


Wait in Style.

Sometimes it feels like my life revolves around waiting.

Waiting for the taxi, waiting for the bus, waiting to go on holiday, waiting to get paid, waiting to leave work, waiting to board a flight, waiting for the web page to load, waiting to go out, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting in a queue, waiting for dinner to cook, waiting for the kettle to boil.

Right now I'm waiting for the UPS man to bring my package. Today I don't mind waiting, though, because it's a beautiful day outside. I may even have a vodka and cranberry juice. What's that you say? It's only lunchtime?

Oh, I know, but there's no harm in waiting in style.

Happy June!