Monday, August 31, 2009

Molly's Off Her Trolly!

I stayed at my mum's last night because she went away, effectively I was kitten sitting Doris, she gets lonely apparently, but what my mum didn't tell me, until I walked through the door, was that her neighbours had gone away for a week and mum was looking after their house and the cat that lives in it.

So off mum goes to visit her friend for the evening, and off I go to feed next door's cat. Only thing is, this cat doesn't wanna be fed, in fact, this cat doesn't want anything except a valium.

The cat, Molly, hissed and threw a kitty-fit when I walked through the door, but I couldn't just leave it without food or water and with a poop-filled litter tray, so I went about doing these tasks and tried to ignore the terror rising in my stomach.

Finally I finished these tasks, but as I turned to enter the hallway and make a run for the door I realised that Molly, who is completely off her fecking trolly, was blocking it! Uh oh.

I was trapped.
I was trapped for thirty minutes and just about to see if I could climb through the window when the cat finally realised that I had filled it's bowl with food. But for those life-threatening thirty minutes (not my life, Molly's) I had planned my speech to the neighbour of how exactly Molly's life had come to a tragic end, because if I hadn't been able to get through the window, it would have been a case of 'it's me or the cat!'

I went home and told Doris that if she ever became so aggressively grumpy, she'd end up in a stew.

Scary shit.
The End.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Which twin is Which?

I was in a shop yesterday buying grass seeds for my front lawn, when someone I vaguely recognised walked by. She walked by at least two more times before finally stopping and asking me how I was doing.

Then I remembered! I knew this girl from school, eight years had passed since we last saw one another.

So we spoke for ten minutes, then we said our goodbyes and see you soons and continued on our merry way. Only thing is, this girl is an identical twin. I had no idea who I was talking to, and she had no idea that I had no idea.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Doris's Story.

So Doris is twelve weeks old and a little bundle of PAIN IN THE ARSE! She previously lived with my auntie Debbie. Debbie has a grandson and this particular grandson thought Doris was a Frisbee, as witnessed by me on Tuesday.

I was sitting in Debbie's kitchen and instructed the Devil-Child to be careful when picking Doris up, a few minutes later, when he thought I wasn't looking, he threw Doris across the kitchen. It was a muster-all-your-might-and-throw kind of throw, and I was disgusted!

I scooped Doris up and told Debbie I was taking her home. Debbie thought I was joking.

It was a punishment for the Devil-Child.
It was an intervention for Doris.
It was a surprise for my mum.

Seeing as it was my mum's birthday the same day, I took Doris to my mum's and it was love at first sight. Doris will no longer be thrown across the kitchen and mum will have a snuggle buddy.

Win win.

In case you're new and are wondering how Doris acquired her name. This Link might help explain things.

The name Doris is better than Gertrude, that's fo' sho'

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Appropriately Named

Please welcome

The appropriately named


Monday, August 24, 2009

Texting Manners

I was out on Saturday with my friend, Suzie. Suzie and I have known each other for quite a while, and, as it always seems to be the case with lesbians, we are in fact ex-girlfriends.

We met up in the town center, shopped around, had a coffee, shopped around some more then upped the anti with an alcoholic beverage. This was all good and well, but I think I could safely calculate without exaggeration that her mobile phone beeped a million times. A MILLION TIMES!

I wondered, if Suzie was so intent on having a conversation with whomever it was she was texting, why she didn't a) ring them or b) go shopping with them instead of me!

Now me, when my phone beeped on one or two occasions, I texted the person back and explained that I was out and would phone them later. This was reasonable, yes?

I just think it's rude to keep texting when you're in someones company.

It's basic manners, lady.
Basic. Manners.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Colour Coded Neurotic.

This is how I eat my M&M's. It's also how I eat my skittles, Starburst, pretty much anything with colour.

First, I separate them into colours, then I eat my least favourite colour, which is usually green. I always save blue for last, I don't know why, it's a neurosis, and there's very rarely an appropriate explanation for neurotic behaviour.

Admit it, your opinion of me has just changed completely, hasn't it?

In that case I'd better not tell you how I like to eat my sandwiches....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Crack of Dawn!

Sitting in the bar at the cinema having a beverage before the film was due to start, my friend nudged me with her elbow and nodded her head to the side. I looked in the direction she had nodded and was greeted with this.

Arse crack.
Major arse crack.

Ladies. This is extremely unattractive.

I'm not the fashion police. I've never been a style guru, but this? This is beyond disaster and is in the territory of 'abandon ship'.

The problem is that this isn't an uncommon sight. It should be, but it isn't. If I'm not seeing chavs with their trousers hanging low (for fashion purposes), then I'm seeing builders without belts. It just won't do!

The boob like nature of the arse in this picture haunts me.
I'm traumatised!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Questions Of The Day

I haven't done one of these in years. Here goes.

Basic Info
Do you drink regularly?: about every other week I'd say.
Do you do drugs?: no
What is your worst habit?: getting frustrated
Do you bite your finger nails?: no, when people do it makes me cringe

flavor coffee creamer?: what's a coffee creamer?
person in your life right now?: auntie ria

Have you Ever
eaten anchovies on your pizza?: no. never!
been to Italy?: not yet.
stalked someone?: heck no
been stalked by someone?: not that I know of.

Do you
believe in true love?: yeah
believe in ghosts?: deffinitely
believe in miracles?: I believe in a reality beyond things I can see/hear.
believe in life after death?: yes
believe in reincarnation?: no

What is
your biggest pet peeve?: people who say one thing but do another
your dog's name?: saffron
your least favorite name?: DORIS
the most important thing in a relationship?: consideration
the perfect age to get married?: when you know its right

Summer/Winter?: summer

At 10:00 at night I am usually...: out, showering, getting my things ready for work
My birthday is coming up and I want to...: reschedule
This weekend I'm going to...: buy some new clothes
Tonight I'm going to watch...: the new episode of True Blood. I'm addicted.

The first thing you do when you get to work?: eat breakfast
When do you first start decorating for Christmas?: 1st of December
What was your first pet you owned as a child?: Cat named Gizmo
What was the first kind of pet you got as an adult?: Still had Gizmo
When was the first time you saw snow?: I was born on a snowy January day apparently. I wouldn't know though.

When was the last time you were at McDonalds?: Nine years ago believe it or not.
When was the last time you ate meatloaf?: Never. What is meatloaf anyway? I just picture meat in the shape of a loaf of bread.
When was the last time someone lied to you and you found out?: today at work.
What was the last thing you ate?: A KitKat Chunky.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Baywatch Theme Tune

This song seemed to be the theme tune of last nights partying. Every pub or club I went in, this song was blasting out.

Boobs in slow motion. Need I say more?

Monday, August 10, 2009


I was sitting on a bench waiting outside a shop this afternoon, my friend was inside trying on clothes. It was our second shop in an hour and a half and by this point I needed a stiff drink. (I've made a mental note not to go clothes shopping with this particular friend in future, after an hour and a half she should have at least been to four shops, minimum!)

I was partaking in a bit of people watching just to pass the time, when I noticed an old man sitting on the bench opposite me. He was OLD old. Hunched over, bald head, no teeth, clothes from the 1800's OLD. This scary looking old man was sitting there quietly. I assumed he was also doing a fair amount of people watching of his own, when a little boy, looked about four or five years old, came running into view. He saw the old man and slowed to a holt. Then the weirdest thing. The old man stared at the boy, the boy stared at the old man, neither saying anything yet neither looking away, and they stayed like that for what seemed like minutes.

My friend sat next to me on the bench, and when she realised I hadn't noticed her arrival, she asked me what I was looking at. I informed her that I thought I was witnessing something spectacular, an Age-off!

Her laughter echoed off the surrounding buildings, the boy and the old man turned to look at her, the moment was lost.

I don't really know what was so interesting to them that they stared at each other like that. Then again I don't know what I found so interesting in them for me to have noticed it happen.

People are a mystery to me.
That shit was just wierd.
I enjoyed my stiff drink.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Wasp Attack!

Is it just me, or are there more wasps this year than any other?

I don't ever remember being pestered by wasps so much, in fact, I don't ever remember being pestered by wasps at all until now. Hmm...

A friend and I were enjoying the beautiful weather in a beer garden yesterday and there were at least three wasps invading our personal dance space. I'm not particularly scared of wasps, but I was annoyed by them. My friend however threw a hissy fit whenever she realised one had gotten a bit too close. She looked like a team of Rugby players were heading straight for her, ducking and darting from one place to the next. (Truth be told, I was embarrassed).

So, to save her from doing herself an injury and save me from having to leave the pub in embarrassment, I left a bit of the Coca Cola I had been drinking in the bottom of the glass for the sweet-toothed wasps, then moved to another table, and they left us alone after that.

Now that I'm retelling this story I feel like they manipulated and bullied me out of drinking the drink that I paid for.

Damn wasps!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Gay for Good!

One of my contacts on twitter posted this Link to a newspaper article about the conclusion of the American Psychological Association with regards to promising clients they can change their sexuality through therapy. Apparently the APA has concluded that this type of therapy only does more harm than good. Well duh!

It's one step forward at least. Now therapists won't legally/ethically be allowed to offer this service, not that it is a service. It mentions faith and religion quite a lot and how therapists can help people explore their religion in order for them to feel more comfortable with combining their sexuality and faith. I guess that's pretty good. Religeion is often open for interpretation from the individual.

"The APA task force took as a starting point the belief that homosexuality is a normal variant of human sexuality, not a disorder, and that it nonetheless remains stigmatized in ways that can have negative consequences."

One step up for America, I'd say.

Monday, August 03, 2009

P!NK Look-a-like Money Swindler!

I think P!NK asked me for my bank details in the city centre this afternoon.

No, really!

This girl(woman?) stopped me and two of my friends mid-walk and proceeded to ask us things about ourselves. I knew this was a prelude to something myself or my friends weren't going to be particularly interested in, but the girl(woman) was persistent. Once learning our names, job titles and sexualities she talked about nothing for a moment or two until I (as politely as possible) asked her what she wanted. Like I didn't already know, obvious!)

The P!NK look-a-like then went on to waffle about families affected by drugs and how giving 20pence a day could make a huge difference and all we had to do was surrender our bank details and.............hoooold right there, P!NK.

I asked the look-a-like how on earth we were to know that she was a genuine employee of this charity and how she could expect anyone to just hand over their bank details and hard earned money, not forgetting that we're in the midst of a recession and 20 pence a day soon adds up, and the P!NK lady flipped out!

By 'flipped out' I mean she ransacked her rucksack, pulling out a jacket, purse, shoes - it was like Mary poppins bag, then finally pulled out a piece of paper that was supposed to confirmed her identity within this charity. But when my friend pointed out that she wouldn't know if the paper was fake or genuine, the look-a-like flipped out even more, ramming everything back into her bag, throwing her hands in the air, saying we were selfish people!

I'm not sure who was crazy here, the look-a-like for thinking we would hand over our money, or us for not doing so....