Thursday, January 29, 2009

Stop! You're Not a Theif!

Ok, I know that I have accidentally walked out of a shop without paying for something on at least two occasions. But I have admitted these offences and moved on. Today I was in Boots Pharmacy buying shampoo. I paid for the shampoo and went into the shop next door which was Next clothing shop. 10 minutes later a man in a suit came upto me and asked me to go back to the pharmacy because security would like to speak to me, I asked why and he wouldn't say, so I agreed. They took me into the back of the shop and explained that they had seen me steal some shampoo! WHAT?

Oh no they didn't!!!!!!!!

I thought someone was going to shout out "smile, you're on candid camera" any minute, but no, this guy wasn't joking. He asked me if I had a recipt and I said yes. I gave it to him and even though I had given him proof that I had paid for the shampoo, he still refused to believe me, so he called the police.

The police came 15 minutes later and the security guy explained that he had seen me steal shampoo. He didn't tell them that I had handed him the reciept as proof of purchase, so when I told them, they were obviously suprised.

The female officer asked if she could search me, so I agreed. She searched me, my bags, my purse, my pockets.... it was very degrading! They looked at the reciept, studying it thuroughly, then asked the women who served me if she recognised me. Of course, she did.

She should do, she only served me half an hour ago!!!!!!!!

The police agreed that I wasn't guilty of a crime and unless he proved otherwise he had no right or reason to take up any more of my time, and that he should actually apologise to me, a paying customer, for the inconvinience he had caused. Insead, he gave me a letter that said I could no longer shop in this particucular Boots store.

If he thought I'd go back in there after this ordeal anyway, it shows how much of a fucking nutter he is!!!!!!!!

I've never felt so.... low? He thought I was a theif, and that bothers me. Wouldn't that bother any innocent person?

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Expensive Letter to America.

I sent a parcel to a very dear friend of mine who lives in New York. We've been friend's for a couple of years now. Time flies. The parcel contained a gift I had bought from my trip to Lanzarote in September, but I'd been busy and lazy and forgetful, so I had only just managed to send it. Bad friend!

I sealed the box then wrapped it in brown paper, sealing that too. I then went to the post office to send it. When I got to the post office the woman behind the screan asked me if there was a letter in the box.... erm.... yes? Uh oh! She then told me that had I not put a letter in the box sending the parcel would cost me £5 pounds less. NOW SHE TELLS ME! She offered to give me some tape so that I could take the letter out and send it seperately, but seeing as it had taken me four months to send the parcel anyway, I decided to just pay the extra and have done with it. Otherwise It'd still be sitting in my room.

I love what I sent my friend Deebie though. I wanted me to have it. I hope she likes it too.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Clap Clap Clap Clap!

When I was in school, I had a friend named Louise. Louise was a lot like phoebe buffay from the TV program 'Friends'. She was a bit of an airhead and totally adorable. Louise was also a Friends fanatic and once a week she would make all of us watch it.

The theme tune would start and we'd all gather around the TV, and a few seconds into the song...... we'd all have to clap!


Louise insisted upon it! She said if we didn't we'd get bad luck. Well, I'm superstitious so I didn't want to have bad luck, I was already halfway through 7 years of it after falling head first into a mirror! More bad luck I did not need.

Anyway, 10 years later and whenever I hear the theme tune, if I don't clap at the part where Louise said I was supposed to.... I get paranoid.

While watching an episode of friends with, well, my friends recently, I couldn't explain why I had clapped. What was I supposed to say? Louise made me do it?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

3-Dimentional Boo!

I went to the cinema to see My Bloody Valentine lastnight. The film itself was beyond bad, but the fact that it was in 3D was what saved it. Hopefully I've come as close as I'm ever going to get to having a 6 foot long pickaxe swung at my head, or a giant bullet coming towards me, or blood and guts splattering in my direction, or even a tree branch coming through the car window!

It was quite an experience, and I liked it.

It was funny to hear 50 or 60 people tittering with giggles after a particularly scary scene and they realised they had ducked or tried to move backwards to avoid something that wasn't real. It got so tense at one point that when I looked over at my friend she had removed her 3D glasses!

I'd recommend the film for the 3D experience, but nothing more. The plot was just plane bad and there wasn't a sexy woman to redeem it even just a little bit.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

No More Noodle!

When I was sicky-poo, which I'm feeling much better, by the way. It took three weeks for me to get rid of whatever the heck it was, but I'm feeling much better. Yay! Anyway, when I was sicky-poo I ate a Pot Noodle. Now that I'm better I can't even look at a Pot Noodle without it making me feel queasy.

I very rarely ate them anyway, and only ate that one Spicey flavoured noodle because it was convenient and I was ill. But I also ate lots of other things while I was ill, so why don't they now make me feel queasy when I look at them?

Ugh! Just the thought of eating another Pot Noodle........UGH!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Let Me Know When You Do a Doo Doo!!

Oh dear, my best friend and I went for a pub lunch with her older brother. He's having girlfriend problems and proceeded to get a few things off his chest that are annoying him about her. While explaining he said;

"She winds me up all the time, I can't have a shit without her knowing the weight, size and what time it came out."

Embarrassing humour struck again, and quite frankly there is no reason why that should have reduced me to tears. He saw the funny side of it too, thank goodness. We've all been friends for years so they know what I'm like, but the other patrons gave me odd looks when the laughter induced a bit of snorting.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Embarrassing Humour.

I've just got home from work. It's been a long day. Relaxed compared to most days, but long. I'm sitting with a glass of Vodka and Redbull, it's early, I know, but I deserve it. I now have five days off so that needs celebrating. FIVE WHOLE DAYS OFF. HOW ABOUT THAT THEN?

A funny thing happened at work the other night, which highlights my humour. My 'embarrassing humour'. If someone farts or talks about no. 2. I laugh. WHY? I have no idea why. It's an involuntry thing. I just have to laugh.

A client, who happens to be a drug user, came into the shop for their daily dose of, well, legal drugs. Upon serving her, she let rip. It wasn't silent, I didn't stick around long enough to know if it was deadly, but the fact that she just farted and politely said "excuse me", crippled me WITH LAUGHTER.

But how wrong is that?

Why did I find that funny?

Is it even funny?

And how embarrassing is it that I couldn't control my laughter any more than she could control her bowels?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Translation.

I often find that when I'm speaking to British people via MSN etc. they use the American version of a word. Apartment instead of flat, for example. It bugs me. If you're British then WHY??

I also find that when I'm speaking to my American friends they don't generally understand the British translation of a word. They don't know that a path is a sidewalk, or a traffic light is a stop sign.

I'm a little worried.

British people are already saying ass instead of arse, but what's next? Jello instead of Jelly? Diaper in stead of nappy? Pushchair instead of pram? IT'S LUNACY!

I like my flat, pram, jelly, nappy, path and traffic light. But is the fact that there are more and more American TV programs shown on our channels affecting our language as a whole?

Perhaps I'm just being stuffy and need to get with the times.

Here are a few others :-)

Pocket money = allowance
Aerial = antenna
Lift = elevator
Fire Brigade = fire department
Petrol station = gas station
P.E = gym class
Maths = math
Newsagent = newstand
Abroad = overseas
Iced lolly = popsicle
Press up = push up
Handbag = purse
Tin = can
Wardrobe = closet
Cul-De-Sac = dead end road
City centre = downtown
Skip = Dumpster

And many, many more.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Finished Fried Greens.

I changed the little picture at the top there. It's so hard to believe that I was that high. Above the clouds. Looking down at them, instead of them looking down at me.

I was so tired that morning after getting up at a rediculously early hour, but seeing the sun rising above the clouds made me grateful that I had. I guess there really is a silver lining to most things, we just never see them because the negative is easier to find.

I finished reading Fried Green Tomatoes a few weeks ago, and have even read another book since. I'm still not sure about Fried Greens, there are aspects of the film that could have made the book better, and vice versa. Poor Ninny dying while Evelyn was at a Fat Camp I didn't like, so I choose to believe that she really went to live with Evelyn. And Itchy selling honey by the roadside in her OldLadyHood? It makes much more sense than the suggestion that Ninny was Itchy. That was a bit of a stretch for me to imagine. It was entertaining, both film and book. But I just don't understand it. Was it a story about Itchy? Or was it a story about Evelyn? Was it about then, or now? What was the core of the story?

Friday, January 09, 2009

11 Days



I'm still very,



Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Uber Cold!

My nostrils are holes no bigger than 5p pieces. Yet somehow they manage to produce oodles of mucus that's endless and.... alright, I'm sure you don't want to be privvy to that kind of detail.


Apparently I have the Three Week Virus. The Queen and her Great British public are sneezing and coughing and wheezing their way through tissues and paracetamol like there's no tomorrow!

Now, The Common Cold I can handle, but when I've had it since December 3oth and we're now on January 6th.... I'm entitled to have a good moan about the fact that I don't think this is simply The Common Cold. A week. That's how long The Common Cold lasts. THIS is uber cold.... with a vengence.

And if legend is right about the Uber Cold, I'm looking at another two wonderful weeks of this torture!

Le Sigh.

My birthday has been rescheduled for July. I was too ill to participate in the denial of my turning 24, so my friends graciously agreed that July, when it's warmer, is an acceptable alternate date for getting pissed.


Bless me.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Time Machine Needed!

The time is 00:45! This means I'm in my mid twenties. HOW did this happen? WHEN did this happen and HOW do I stop it from continuing to happen?

WHY am I getting older. How dare I get older without my permission! It just simply cannot be. It stops. Right now. This instant.

I don't think it's stopping....

I'm barely over the fact that I'm no longer a teenager. I'm absolutely positively not ready to deal with the fact that in 6 years I'll be thirty. Helllllllllllll nah.

What do I do? Think, Gemma...... THINK!